1. Sweet Ass Venue. You think this should go without saying, but it gets overlooked more often than you did at your junior high dance during that one sweet slow song everyone secretly wanted to shuffle feet to. Do you want it on a boat? In a club? At a House? On top of a Mountain? The possibilities are endless and so should your creativity be. Keep in mind what kind of party you are looking to throw here. If its just you and 10 of your friends sitting in a warehouse drinking malt liquor you may as well go ahead and light a trash can fire because just like a homeless person, your party reeks of despair and alcoholism.
2. Party favors, and lots of them. Here is the fork in the road for a lot of good parties. You have a choice to make here, the party can go one route and you undoubtedly have a good time or, you can decide you want more than that. You good sir, want EVERYONE to have a good time. On the one hand you can buy 50 cases of keystone light, wear khaki shorts, a neon shirt, and bro it up. On the other hand you can half that and buy 25 cases of keystone light (hey it’s still a recession) and use the rest to get liquor, JELL-O, and champagne. People will appreciate that the only people drinking keystone are the ones chest bumping and hi-fiving. I know you want to run the table at beerpong but don’t worry, drink selection is all about first impressions. Showing up to a party and grabbing a keystone light out of the fridge by choice is like saying “hey, I’m going to pass out in your ditch later”. Showing up to a party and pouring yourself a scotch & water is like a lion roaring in the jungle saying “hey, I’ll see you at sunrise”.
3. Costumes. Oh what’s that you say? It’s not Halloween? Consider yourself uninvited. There’s no stupid questions, only people who are not invited to my party. If anyone asks you why you would want a costume party simply ask them if they have ever been on a boat with a ghostbuster, a cop wearing little more than a badge, and the entire cast of caddy shack. When they say “no”, tell them they’re going to get the exact same response when they try to attend your party, “no”. Costumes give people a chance to act like they’re 9 years old again hopped up on caffeine and stuck in the ball pit. You no longer feel responsible for any actions (aka mistakes) you make while wearing a costume cause hey, it wasn’t me, it was batman. If you need any more explanation than this or for me to spell it out any clearer for you I’ll be over here, hanging out with wonder woman, not listening.
4. People. Obviously. Start making a list, what kind of people do you want there? What kind of ratio? Hopefully if you’re reading this you’re not thinking to yourself “what does he mean by this ratio he speaks of”. Find your older brother and ask him, I’m not here to pander to the 3rd graders; this is a class for champions. Here is also where you need to take a good hard look in the mirror. Are you the type of person who is going to invite a few people and end up with the fire marshal coming to your house at 5am? Or do you need to over invite and hope that you get a 60% turnout? Be honest with yourself cause hey, even if you are the latter, I still applaud you for trying. Just don’t be mad when you get thrown in the pool.
5. Invitations. This is the 21st century, so act like it. If you put balloons on your mailbox in some sort of quasi “X marks the party spot” fashion I will physically drive over there and pop them. Snail mail is only associated with people asking for money, and the last I heard the IRS doesn’t throw raging parties. You could call or text all of your invites but then you have to be able to respond, and you might not exactly be able to recall who “Frank the Tank” is in your contacts. I recommend email. It’s fast, you only have to write it once, and you get an accurate head count of who’s coming. Programs such as MyNewsletterBuilder and VerticalResponse are great options when it comes to sending out mass invites. Plus, if your party hits that certain legitimacy reserved only for holidays involving fireworks and green rivers, you can send out a monthly newsletter recounting the debauchery and preparing people for next year since you have surely created an annual event. Bonus points if your party leads to me getting a holiday someday.
